Armpit Beetle Infestation Spreads to Vancouver's West Side
As the B.C. forest industry struggles to deal with the widespread devastation caused by the pine beetle in more northern areas of B.C., a new strain has apparently developed, and this one likes to feed off of human beings instead of trees.
But not just any humans, according to the UBC Biology Research Centre's Head of Operations, Ralph Connelly. "The pit beetle, as we've termed it, has limited olfactory senses and no sense of sight, and has a hard time differentiating what constitutes a tree. And as some people in this province spend a lot of time protesting logging in clearcut sites across the province, sometimes chaining themselves to trees or logging equipment, it's no surprise that the beetles confuse the scent of their new hosts with that of their usual meals. They attach themselves to the dense undergrowth in the armpits of the victim, mistaking it for tree moss, and proceed to burrowing themselves into the flesh, or bark of the victim, and onward towards the brain. From then it's only a few bongo beats down the line before our tree-hugging friend starts to feel the effects of pit-beetle dementia."
When asked what the long-term effects of being attacked by this new pest may be, Professor Connelly shuddered and gave this response - The first stage is relatively benign, with the victim foregoing the usual self-care a human being practices, like bathing or wearing clean clothes. It shortly progresses to an aversion to footwear, meat, and synthetic fabrics, or anything not made by some third-world peasant living in a mud hut. As the beetle's effect on the brain tissue increases, the victim soon becomes little more than a demented scarecrow, with only the smallest awareness of his surroundings. They may even subconsciously cry out for help in the only way their addle-brained consciousness can muster - endless incoherent chanting, and spinning in circles in public in a vain attempt to communicate their ordeal.
The first signs of the disease are obvious - the purchase of a Shawn Phillips or Cat Stevens record, especially if the victim doesn't own a turntable. They will often offer a trade instead of cash, such as a ball of twine, or half a pack of rolling papers.
Until a cure is found anyone of B.C.'s tree-hugging population could be happily chained to a pine tree one week, and the next week a twirling, blithering spaz with a head full of beetle crap, waiting to collapse forever on the ground like a lifeless bag of organic compost.
While the danger to many innocent victims is obvious, the real danger is yet to be realized, says Prof. Connelly. If this trend of the pine beetle to infest the brains of those who fight the forestry industry continues it could have drastic effects on the culture of our society as a whole. Not only could it mean the slow, spinning death or hundreds of hairy, flea-bitten, poncho puppies, but there is a real and tangible fear that either Shawn Phillips or Cat Stevens may interpret this small increase in their record sales to encourage them to make further recordings. And if that happens the pit beetles win.
Below: PBD sufferers gather at an impromptu quarantine camp on Jericho Beach, in what they are told will be the "band area" for a "festival", with a possible appearance by Shawn Phillips. Shortly thereafter they're led in groups onto a wildly-painted schoolbus for some "special Kool-aid". After the drink is handed out the doors of the bus are locked an the victims are put out of their misery by members of the Timberwest Forest Corporation with automatic weapons.
